


Infectious

by CrystallineGreen



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse), Resident Evil - All Media Types
Genre: Alpha Team, Batman References, Bioterrorism Security Assessment Alliance | BSAA, Birds, Blonde Superman, Bravo team - Freeform, Cannot unsee, Charity Auctions, Childishness, Cosplay, Costumes, Cyborg References, Drabble Collection, Dress Up, For The Kids, Game: Biohazard | Resident Evil 0, Game: Resident Evil 1, Game: Resident Evil 1 Remake (2002), Gen, Green Lantern References, Herbalism, Herbology, Humor, Idiots, Justice League References, Manchild - Freeform, Mission Fic, Missions, Missions Gone Wrong, Parody, Pre-Resident Evil 1, R.P.D, S.T.A.R.S. (Resident Evil), Silly, Snipers, Snow, Superman References, The Flash references, This Is STUPID, Wonder Woman references, multi-chapter, sand
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:35:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28535256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystallineGreen/pseuds/CrystallineGreen
Summary: A collection of chapters featuring parodies of various situations and characters.
Kudos: 1





	1. For Charity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The result of reading _Justice League_ comics at the same time as playing _Resident Evil_. This is set before _Resident Evil 1_.

The R.P.D office was hot, dimly lit and pokey when only half-full, so the entire Alpha Team left little room to even stretch. They gathered for an informal meeting, although not to go on any mission. Tonight was for charity – a costumed event, no less, to raise money for the local orphanage. As egotistical and despicable a man Irons was, even he couldn’t refuse to attend. Besides, such acts appeared good for his image and ambition to become Mayor of Raccoon City. Yet why he dragged the S.T.A.R.S into it nobody could understand.

After much deliberation, said group chose to dress as the Justice League. Wesker, naturally, was Superman; his arrogance wouldn’t let anybody else take that role. Chris dived in quickly as Batman, with much complaint from the other men. Fortunately, they managed to find contentment with their alternatives – Barry as Cyborg, Joseph the Flash…leaving Brad as Green Lantern.

Of course, Jill, being the lone female, was stuck with Wonder Woman. She stared at the garb with disdain – gauntlets, a low-cut bodice and skimpy hot pants – holding out her arms and reluctantly performing a twirl on command for the boys. “This is stupid. Remind me why we’re doing it.”

Burton grinned. “C’mon. It’s for kids.”

“Ugh, I know.”

“You look good,” Redfield approved, causing her expression to turn stormy – that had not been much of a compliment at all.

“Think it was Irons’ idea,” Frost added, leaning casually back in a chair.

“Sure it wasn’t Wesker’s?” Vickers piped in.

“Yeah…come to think of it, he _did_ insist on being Superman.” Chris pulled a bemused expression and several ideas coming to mind. “Hey, Wesker!”

The blonde stood to one side, adjusting his overly vibrant costume. At the booming voice, he glanced over from marking the piles of paperwork – it stopped for no man – and approached the rest of the team. “Yes?”

“Why’d you get to be Superman?”

“He’s the leader of the Justice League. I’m your boss. Put two and two together.”

“O- _kay_. What I meant was…you don’t really look like him.”

The Captain tilted his head to the left and gave a questioning look.

“Superman’s not _blonde_ ,” Redfield clarified.

“I know that.”

“Then why-?”

“You look more like the Flash,” Barry interjected.

Albert almost pouted. “I refuse to wear red spandex.”

Jill’s eyebrow rose. “Prefer the blue, huh?” She could tell he scowled, even behind his permanent dark sunglasses. She pointed at them. “Clark Kent wears specs. Since when does Superman?”

The Captain’s anger faded and he smirked. “Since he turned blonde.”

Chris rejected such logic. “Just take the damn things off for once!”

“Fine.” The grumpy countenance returned and Wesker cautiously removed said offending item, revealing his piercing blue eyes to the world. It was strange, to say the least, and nobody could help staring. “Stop it.”

“Hey, wouldn’t he be better as Aquaman? Looks more like him,” Barry chuckled, causing Joseph to burst into a coughing fit. The blonde’s face dropped, clearly displeased with the idea. Images of said male commanding sea life reduced the others to tears of laughter.

“You’re only complaining, ‘cause he beat you to it,” Redfield retorted, causing Burton to grumble.

“Shut up. You’ve got nothing to complain about, Batman.”

Joseph shrugged. “Least Wonder Woman looks like part, huh?”

“Yay, me,” she sarcastically responded.

Albert nodded approvingly. “Yes, she really has the build of an Amazonian.”

Mind taking a moment to absorb the insult, her eyes widened in realisation, before lunging towards him. With a shark’s grin, he darted away from her choking hands, although she refused to be left behind, and they darted around the room. The team observed. It was almost as good as a Warner Brothers cartoon.

Vickers suddenly frowned. “So, who _is_ Aquaman, anyway?”

It forced everyone to pause, even Jill with her hands tightly gripping Wesker’s throat, straddling him to the floor. With some reluctance, she loosened the grip, although remained sat atop her Captain, and attempted to figure out the identity of the last remaining Justice League member. Unless they found a member of Bravo, it couldn’t be anyone else…right?

With some difficulty, the Captain gently pushed said woman off his lap and rose to his feet, rubbing a sore throat. “I have that covered.”

Chris blinked. “Who?”

One Brian Irons entered, as if conjured by mere thought, thinning hair slicked back and an agonised expression on his face. The why became apparent when taking his appearance into account. He was clad in all-in-one, figure-hugging gold and blue latex, grasping a small, plastic trident in one hand. “I hate you.”


	2. Herbs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by a piece of fanart where Billy is staring at green and red herbs in his hands; above him is “red + green = rubber duck” and Rebecca grimacing at his side. Set during _Resident Evil Zero_.

There were very few places in the training facility to stop and catch one’s breath; the pair fortunately located a space tucked away in one of the side rooms. They slumped against a wall and slid down to settle on the cold, hard floor. It was far from ideal, but an improvement over water-logged rooms, stained carpets or cool outside temperatures.

Billy thought this the best time to ask about something important. It became infuriating being incapable of combining herbs correctly and even more so by the fact he relied on Rebecca – although, considering it more, he possessed a lighter…and she seemed inept at setting objects alight. Perhaps not a skill to be proud of, yet he still managed to be. _Billy the arsonist._ Sounded weird.

Yet he didn’t air any of these thoughts and decided on simply enquiring about the initial topic. “Say…can you teach me something?”

She squinted, not particularly keen after some earlier questions of an inappropriate and dark, humorous nature about zombies and leeches. _How about another chance, huh? It might be worthwhile._ “Shoot.”

“Tell me what herbs do.”

 _Unexpected._ But better. “Alright, I can do that.” A smile actually lit up the young woman’s face, despite their dour situation. “There’s basically two kinds – red and green. The green ones can heal you on their own, but the red ones have to be mixed with green to make any kind of healing item.”

“Er…”

“The red plant is useless _unless_ you mix it with a green plant into a fine powder. Then you can digest it. Understand now?”

“Sure, sure…I get it…” _I think._ He dismissively waved a hand. “Keep going.”

“Okay, so the green herb makes you a little better if you digest it as is, right? _Buuuut_ it’s more effective if you mix _multiple_ green herbs.”

“What, like a _super green_?”

“Sort of? You can mix two greens and feel much better than if only had one.”

“Huh. That does make sense, actually. And red plus red doing nothing either?”

“Nope. Must be red and green to work.”

Billy felt his brain was slowly comprehending and retaining the information, although he couldn’t be sure about the _practical_ side. With enough practice, perhaps. “Can I try this out next time we pick up some plants?”

Rebecca’s eyebrows rose, impressed by the apparent thirst for knowledge. “Of course! Just…let me guide your first time, okay?”

The man could have retorted with a double entendre, but decided instead to send her a silent message with raised eyebrows. As expected, her entire face glowed pink from embarrassment and she resisted softly thumping him on the arm. That would be a little _too_ familiar and another reminder of how close they were becoming. _It’ll be over soon, he’ll be gone and I’ll meet up with the other S.T.A.R.S, who’re hopefully still walking…and not the walking dead…_

He then considered discussing one last thing before it came time for the pair to move on – not taught, rather discovered whilst rooting around the facility for notes. Mentions of another colour of plant his comrade hadn’t mentioned yet. “Got another question.”

“Ask away.”

“What does the blue herb do?”

“Blue…herb…” Rebecca had decided not to explain about that until he mastered the other combinations, purely not to further confuse him. Billy seemed a tad overwhelmed by the talk of greens and reds. She then noticed those moody eyes watching expectantly. _I don’t know what to say._

“Well? You gonna tell me or not?”

“I think we should leave that until you master the others.”

“I’m not an idiot,” he grumbled, staring at the patterned floor.

Against earlier judgement, she decided to affectionately pat his arm. “You are, but I’m still glad to have you here watching my back.”


	3. Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A humorous piece revolving around Piers. Set during his early days in the BSAA or maybe during his time in the Special Forces.

There is nothing more distasteful than sand.

The golden grains find their way into every nook and cranny, Piers’ clothes and hair – no matter how carefully he moves. Although it isn’t as if he rushes around the area and buries his head into the dunes, the man always appears that way after a desert mission. Boots are tugged off and enough sand pours out to fill an entire pit. It jams weapons, stings eyes and affects taste.

Yet, somehow, the sniper has discovered something just as bad, if not worse.

Snow.

A rather unbelievable statement at first glance. It is powdery and soft to tread, with the flavour of cool water when landing on the tongue. Nivans has no need to empty footwear or cringe because his hair matts and turns from brown to bronze. The white causes him to revert to a six year old and play – throwing balls, making figures or appreciating its pristine magic.

Those are the good aspects.

What the soldier has no love for is the temperature twenty below during a patrol or that a sweet songbird lands on a branch and a chunk of snow directly above him is disturbed, completely bypassing the blue scarf and leisurely sliding down the back of his neck. He cannot move from his position, a hazel eye peering through the sniper scope, desperate to maintain control of breathing and struggling with shivers.

At least sand is warm and dry. A scarf keeps most out of the mouth. Snow merely bleeds into the fabric and dampens it.

That is the day Piers amends his thought. There are _few_ things more distasteful – and inconvenient – than sand.


End file.
